Day. Three.

Your first love.

This is kind of a weird one for me to write about. Those closest to me probably know who I am referring to, but it's still odd to put it all out there. Especially since there's a chance he - or members of his family - could potentially read it. But, I'll continue on.

First, I want to make it very clear that I think there are two different kinds of love.

My very first true love - the love that is forgiving, and understanding, and strong enough to knock your socks off - is Thaddeus. This might sound weird to some people, but until you actually have a child, I think it's very tough to actually have a grasp on that kind of love. It's instantaneous. From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I could not imagine my life without my son. Of course, I have never felt a connection that strong with any man in my life, even my husband. While I feel now like I couldn't live without Tom, it wasn't a feeling that I had the moment I met him. It was a feeling that had to develop over time.

The other kind of love - the lustful love - the love that involves forgiveness, patience, understanding and all things that could potentially change - is the love I have truly felt for a couple of people in my life. But the first? The first will always have a special place in my heart - as I think it does for everyone.

My very first true love stemmed from a friendship, and it never developed into a relationship. I think this was the first time I truly put myself out there for a man. And, while the results weren't exactly what I had hoped for at the time, I am glad that I did the things that I did.

We became very close while we worked together, and were eventually neighbors. He was a bit of a party guy, and I was definitely not. But we had a lot of common interests - to include offensive wit, sarcasm, and a love for the written word. Aside from hanging out on almost a daily basis, we came to have a routine on Thursdays when we would exchange something that each of us had written. I think it was the first time that I allowed someone else to read the words I had within. My writings were never about him, but about other private matters in my life, and he was always very accepting and very willing to give me feedback. I think it was almost therapeutic for me.

When he graduated, we still kept in touch. Every now and then I would make the drive to his place - it was a few hours away - and spend the weekend there. We'd usually grab a bite to eat, drink a ton of beer, and then go back to his house and listen to music. It was very laid back. And it was enjoyable.

When he made the decision to travel to Europe and planned to be gone for a long, long time, I made the decision to tell him how I felt about him. I had known for awhile that I loved him, but it was all so new to me. And of course, having not been in a relationship with him, the idea of actually telling him was terrifying - I was just going balls to the walls. Zero to 60. 

So, the night before he left, my girls drove me down South. I left my silly little love letter on his front door, and we drove home. Literally a 6-hour drive just to drop something off and not tell a soul that we were there.

Looking back now, I really wish I had kept a copy of that letter. I would be so interested to see what I wrote. I remember writing some music lyrics at the end - and I can remember the exact song. But I don't remember what I actually told him.

Who knows - he and I are still friends - maybe he is reading this and can send me a copy!? Lol.

Obviously, my grand master plan didn't go exactly as I had imagined. But it didn't turn out bad. It just didn't turn out at all. I have never regret my decision to tell him how I feel, and I am thankful that it didn't destroy the relationship that we did have. We are still friends, and I am sure that the next time I am in Texas, we will meet up. Maybe have a beer.

It's so funny what happens when you get your heart broken. It feels like the most devastating thing in the world, of which you will never recover. But then God reveals his plan.

Now I am happily married with the most wonderful little boy on the planet. Neither of these people would exist in my life had my plans been as I had hoped they would be back then. Which is why we should never regret decisions that we make. Because the way that things happen - the choices that we make - the paths that we walk along - all lead us to where God intended for us to be.

I will admit, however, that there are moments when I hear a certain song and it takes me back to that time and place in my life. It's always nice to go back in time and remember certain things. Which is why, as I said before, I think every man and woman holds a special place in their heart for the first person they felt they had truly loved.