Bonding.

I'm not sure why it has taken my sister and I almost 23 years to finally "connect" and bond, but I am happy (and thankful) to say that we have, and we did. This past week with her and her girls was so much fun for me, and for the first time in my life, I said "goodbye" to her with tears in my eyes.

When my mom married her dad, I was 6 years old, and she was 14. I was too young to understand the magnitude of the situation then, but I can imagine now that watching your dad marry someone else and start "anew" must have been devastating, especially for a girl in her mid-teens. Our lives have been lived on entirely different plains -- at first, only a few blocks away from one another, but hardly visiting with one another at all -- to eventually being separated by more than one state line, and seeing each other for the annual Christmas holiday.

As each of us got older, we managed to separate even further. And as I look back on this now, it makes me so fucking sad. For someone so fun and loving, I am angry at myself for having allowed so much time to pass before finally realizing what a wonderful friend she could be.

I have always looked up to my sister. Always. When I was very, very young, I wanted to be just like her. I loved the way she dressed. She could drive long before I ever could. She always had the coolest clothes. But now, it's a different admiration.

My sister is a wonderful mother. And by wonderful, I mean one of the best I have ever come in contact with. She is so patient with her girls, and so attentive to the small details. I was blown away all week at the random acts of encouragement she would give, or the thoughtful explanations she laid out for their seemingly simple questions. My nieces are very respectful, precious, sweet little girls and she has made sure of that. As I battle this disease, I often become very impatient with Thad simply because it's very hard to keep up with a 3-year-old who's acting out, while simultaneously gasping for air. I hate so much that I can't be the kind of mom I always envisioned myself being, but having spent the week with my sister gave me a little bit of motivation to just work harder. I know I'm a good mom...but I want to be a better mom.

And I also want to be a better aunt. This week was the first time in my life when I was referred to as "Aunt Katie" and I absolutely loved it. I can remember my own relationship with a few of my aunts, and how special they were to me. I want to have the same kind of relationship with them that I had as a young child as well. My new goal is to write a letter or draw a card, or just do something fun for those girls every single month so that they know that I am thinking about them (because I am), and they know how much I love them (because I do). I have been absent for far too long, and it's time for me to become a much stronger presence in their lives.

Jennifer's youngest, Taylor, apparently cried as soon as they left the house for the airport because she, "missed Aunt Katie." Seriously - what a peanut. I absolutely love these two little girls with all my heart.