Buried emotions.

I think I am starting to learn ("starting to" as in the last 30 minutes or so) that I never truly dealt with the emotions I felt once I was told I had a blood clot in my left leg over the Christmas holiday.

Everyone seemed to act like it was such an incredibly big deal, and while I knew that in my heart, I really just kind of went through my days as though it was just another pain in the ass medical issue I had to deal with.

But in reality, that blood clot really, really affected me.

It caused pain that I have never before felt in my life--and I've been through labor and delivery. Lol.

My leg still shows signs of swelling, even 3.5 months later.

It caused a huge financial burden on my family--as it costs money each time I have to go to the doctor to get my blood drawn to make sure that my INR levels are where they are supposed to be.

And, well, there was that whole "it could dislodge and cause a pulmonary embolism and you could die" thing, too.

But tonight, as I received news that my Aunt Tracey is in the hospital with a blood clot in her neck, it has been made very clear to me that I am still very much emotionally damaged by that seemingly non-traumatic issue of my own.

Maybe it's because of all that my Aunt Tracey has been through--between her diagnosis, her mastectomy, and her chemotherapy, homegirl has dealt with a lot of shit in the last year or so. And I so know how it feels to deal with a ton of medical drama and feel like there couldn't possibly be anything else that could go wrong...

...only to find out that well, actually, more can go wrong. And it does.

It's like a never-ending pit of medical bullshit. 

Why are some people subject to such constant trauma, while others rarely experience more than the occasional head cold? It seems so unfair sometimes, especially when you witness it happening to genuinely good people.

Please keep my aunt in your thoughts and prayers in the coming days and weeks ahead. I know as well as any other that this is not an issue that will be cleared up overnight...she is in for weeks of serious pain, and the constant fear that something could go wrong. So while everything is apparently under control tonight, that doesn't mean she's out of the woods. 

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go clean my face and neck...because I cried so hard that my mascara actually stained my shirt. Lol.

(P.S. -- "Waterproof" my ass!)