Health. Updates. From. Cleveland.

On the entire 5-hour drive home from Cleveland this evening, I listened to David Gray. It brought me back to a place that I needed to be.

And it helped.

My appointments in Cleveland didn't exactly go the way that I expected them to go today.

A little disappointing, actually.

First of all, my Ear, Nose & Throat doctor (well, the Resident) noted that my ear drum is inverted in my right ear. Not only did she make me scared out of my mind, but she had me convinced that I would be deaf by the time I turn 30.

Thankfully, my Rheumatologist---the woman I would totally believe and trust if she told me I was African American---set the record straight and made me feel much better. Sure, the possibility of going deaf is there...but it isn't imminent.

It isn't guaranteed.

In fact, the inverted ear drum is most likely the result of a recent ear infection (back in April) and we are just going to monitor it.

No big deal.

The second thing that came up was my airway.

My airway is free and clear. No inflammation. No scar tissue. I am open to about 60/40 capacity (basically, my airway is 60% the size of a normal airway...this is good, considering most Wegener's patients are running around at about 30 or 40%). 

The problem lies in the fact that my breathing has been horrible over the past few months. 

So horrible, in fact, that I was almost positive I would be scheduled for surgery while I was at the doctor today.

But nope.

No surgery because my airway doesn't need it.

The bad news is the fact that my lungs may be the issue now.

Doctor Langford is concerned that I am struggling to breathe so much when my airway looks so clear. So she has ordered a CT scan of my lungs, and after the results are delivered, I will head back to Cleveland to visit a lung specialist.

Specialist.

I feel like I use this word so often, it was one of the first words that Thad probably ever said.

So, after all of this news, I, of course, had a bit of a break down. It wasn't even a break down, per se, but just a moment of panic.

Just when I think that we have this disease under control, and that I am lucky to have it in such a concentrated area, it goes out and throws me a curve ball. Just when I think I am invincible---even from Wegener's---it proves me wrong.

I had momentary flashes of Thad growing up without a mom.

And this, of course, caused the break down.

But, thankfully, I came to my senses. We're all allowed a break down every now and then, right?

I pulled my shit together and remembered that I am going to kick Wegener's ass. Not the other way around. 

I refuse to allow this fucking disease to keep me from watching my child grow up and have children of his own.